This post is a culmination of many recent experiences.
The experiences span from conversations with a friend whose husband is addicted to porn, an e-mail from another friend suggesting a blog discussion on this topic, several sermons on revival that specifically targeted pornography. And finally, a very gifted, spiritual couple coming out of a personal storm rooted in pornography who desire to share their story to help others.
I wish you could meet this young couple. They look just like any other church-going family: mom, dad and the kids. They probably drive a minivan (but they look way too cool for that). He was even a preacher. Until sexual acting out got in the way, and he lost his job.
The reason I would rather you meet them than read about them is because their story is one of resurrection. It is powerful to hear them talk about this journey. He was burdened by secrets and shame. She carried her own heavy load.
He preached for years passionately about grace. He says he was preaching to himself, trying to believe what he was saying, yet feeling covered in muck the whole time. I was hoping that God could use me to at least help other people make it to heaven, because I knew that’s not where I was headed, I have heard him say.
Remarkably, this couple is still together with their marriage on track, even after multiple affairs and the loss of a preaching career. That’s the resurrection power I am witnessing in their vibrant lives. They are forgiven and free. They continue to work through struggles like we all do, but they are free.
I’ll step aside now and let my friend share his story:
How has pornography affected you personally?
When I started looking at pornography in the ninth grade, it was what curious kids did. At least that was what we often called it: “just exploring.”
Adopting an attitude of acceptance was probably my first and largest mistake. As the problem continued even after marriage, I assured myself I was not involved with other women.
Mistake number two was comparing myself to other “worse” people. I was not as bad as others, in my own eyes. I was living in denial.
Gradually pornography lost its luster. I wanted something more personal, and that led to 900 numbers. Eventually the voice lost its luster and I needed to put skin to it, which led to strip clubs.
All along the way I continued to tell myself: I have not had the affair so no one is hurt. Eventually, though, I found myself becoming involved with a woman who expressed interest in me. It started out as flirtation, then led to dropping hints, and finally acting out.
You ask how pornography has affected me. The very nature of pornography is to be secretive. I thought that if no one knew then I was safe. What a lie. I knew, and more than that, God knew!
Help us understand the addictive nature of pornography.
Pornography is so attractive because its power lies in the ability to be completely secretive. No one ever has to know. That is until the walls of paper are torn apart around you.
You begin thinking it is not hurting anyone because you are not physically involved with anyone. When viewing pornography you can see anything you like and tell yourself it is just feeding the natural God-given urge.
Pornography becomes attractive to men because communication about sex is so difficult. Generally, when men stray they desire the physical intimacy they feel they are missing while women are looking for an emotional connection which is absent at home. If couples could talk about and listen to each other’s needs the straying would happen less as spouses work toward pleasing each other within their marriage.
Porn is also so addictive because sex is everywhere. It is on billboards, TV, the radio, at work. Sex is everywhere, and like other addictions all it takes is a mental picture.
Shopping for sex doesn’t involve buying anything or being seen walking out of a liquor store. This is what makes pornography so easy to get hooked on, and what makes it so difficult to overcome.
This is why I believe safe, open dialogue is so important and vital to recovery. You cannot overcome what you are unwilling or unable to talk about. The problem is exacerbated when a man feels unsafe sharing his struggles with his wife, thus pushing him further into the pit of darkness.
Would you say there is a stereotype who struggles with porn, or do you feel this is a problem across the board?
Like I said before, sex is everywhere! People you would never imagine dealing with a pornography addiction are struggling.
I think one of the misconceptions is that people addicted to pornography want to view porn, and often that is not the case. In fact many would love to be free of the addiction, but they have built up so much fear and repetition it seems like something they cannot overcome.
I have heard you talk about getting to the root issue of the addiction. Any addiction is actually just a symptom of some deeper problem.
I could go on about this for a long time. But to sum up, I think couples find themselves staring this monster in the face and want to react to the addiction while completely ignoring the real issue. The problem is often the brokenness of the marriage that was present long before the addiction began. Sometimes the process is painful because the spouse of the addict has to come to grips with his or her own contribution to the problem.
Is there anything you would like to say to someone who may be on the verge of making destructive choices?
People who are on the verge of making a destructive choice are probably like I was when rationalizing, “well at least I have not…,” or “I would never do that.” There is a very fine line between flirting and becoming addicted that people don’t realize they have crossed it until too late.
For people who are on the verge I think it is imperative to have open communication with their spouse. Counseling may even be necessary. Some couples are ready to face their marriage problems on their own with open dialogue. It is important to create a completely open, safe and honest environment with each other.
I would like for people who are being tempted to realize they are not alone. If someone is under strong temptation he does not have to give in; he is not powerless against the urges. God is greater than our weakness. He offers people on the verge hope and strength to press on.
How can the church help people overcome pornography attraction and addiction? How has your faith in God freed you?
I believe the real power of pornography lies in secrecy.
Once you take away the secrecy and begin to open up, the addiction begins to lose its power. Scripture teaches that God is light, and Satan is darkness. Well, the way to get rid of darkness is by opening windows and bringing in some light.
This is where the church needs to step in by allowing open discussion and modeling confession. We can point those who are lost in darkness to the light of Jesus. We in the church offer the warmth and presence of the Lord by being His body on earth.
I would like to see the church do a better job of accepting the sinner while rejecting the sin. I lived in darkness for so long because I was afraid of being rejected and labeled as a pervert. I was afraid all my friends would pull away out of fear that I would hit on their wives.
I was afraid of not being able to be used to serve God again. I was afraid that my wife would leave me, and I would lose my children. Plainly, I was afraid! The scriptures say that perfect love (the love of Christ) drives out fear.
But when you are so far lost in darkness you are unable to find the light on your own. You need loving, forgiving, accepting Christians to bring the light to you. The church needs to become bold and talk about real, honest and difficult issues. We need to remember Jesus came to heal the sick, the hurting and the broken. He came to give the woman in adultery peace and hope and forgiveness!
My faith has freed me because I finally see that God’s Word is not merely a book to read (this coming from a minister, how shameful I know). I am realizing Scripture is a living promise from the Lord. I was reading through Psalm 32 and saw my life: when I kept silent I wasted away, but when I confessed I was released!
The key to the beginning of healing is confession. Taking this first step of breaking the silence by confession will allow God’s light to begin penetrating our darkness.
And a final note from my friend:
I pray that this may on some scale touch someone’s life and enable them to begin healing. Please do not hesitate to let your readers know if anyone wants to talk confidentially to contact you, and we can get in touch. I am open to being used in any way I can.
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Update: To hear my friend’s wife’s perspective, be sure to read comment #18 below.
